I start with the lowlights – the things that didn’t go to plan, that challenged me, that created pain or hardship, and I acknowledge that these are inevitable components of what it means to be human.

I follow-up with my highlights – surprises, unexpected good outcomes, achievements I’ve worked hard towards, people that have given me strength and support, and all the ways in which I’ve lived my passion and purpose. I make sure that for every lowlight, I come up with three highlights, to create a sense of positivity and help counteract any negative emotions arising from the lowlights.

Reflecting on my highlights puts me in a creative, positive and open state, which is great for generating new awareness, thinking and perspectives. How am I seeing things differently now compared to a year ago? What lessons have the lowlights taught me? What new strengths have emerged in me that helped create my highlights? What do I know about myself that I hadn’t been aware of before? What has changed in how I see myself, how I respond to others, or how I see the world around me? Is there one big truth that I will now try to live by?

Sometimes I’ll take myself down to the beach, to a nice park or to my favourite coffee shop to reflect. Some years I just sit outside in the sun with a bit of music in the background. Sometimes I like to be in a busy place full of life and atmosphere, other times I’d rather be somewhere peaceful on my own. And there are years where I write all my thoughts in a journal, and others where I just sit and purposefully ponder. Experiment and choose the style and setting that works best for you. And if so inclined, for an extra boost of positivity and connection, share your key lowlights, highlights and insights with someone important to you.

A lowlight for me in 2020 was being mistreated by an employer I had given my heart and soul to. Highlights included a weekend diving with the giant cuttlefish, joining a ukulele band, and completing my Advanced Coaching Training. And my key insights? I’ve shared some of them throughout the year – act on what’s most important, be kind and stay connected. I think my one big truth for the year is that we are less in control that we think – goals and plans are important but we need to keep a light grip on our attachment to them, as we just don’t know what’s around the next corner.

Jo Saies

pbperformance.com.au

And whilst it’s tempting to blame external causes, it’s often our own reaction that escalates what might have been a minor issue into nothing short of world war three. So learning how to monitor and regulate our strong feelings and emotional responses is an important component of resilience at both work and at home, and will help us not just survive the Christmas period, but come out of it feeling calm, positive and re-energised for the year ahead.

What pushes your buttons?
We all know the kinds of things that trigger instantaneous and often extreme emotional reactions in us – certain people, comments or situations can switch on intense feelings and strong physical sensations which can seem automatic and out of our control. Becoming aware of your personal emotional triggers is the first step in being able to take back control so they don’t have the same power over you.

Be prepared
Once you know what pushes your buttons you can think about and plan in advance what you’ll do differently if (when!) this happens. If you know you always fly into a rage when Great Aunt Mary brings up the burnt turkey from ten years ago, try preparing a few alternative responses you can have up your sleeve to call on in the moment, such as saying something light-hearted, or just smiling to yourself.

Breathe!
When you feel your emotions starting to escalate, try to put a circuit breaker between the trigger and your reaction – the best way to do this is to simply stop and take 3 deep breaths before you say or do anything. As a scuba diver, I’ve been taught how to react safely and rationally to difficult or dangerous situations underwater using the phrase Stop-Breathe-Think-Act. I use the same phrase above the water to help me de-escalate my extreme emotional reactions!

Time Out
We can all use a stint in ‘time out’, not just the kids! Keep your ’emotional thermometer’ handy, and watch out for signs that you’re feelings are starting to boil over. Then make sure you grab some time to yourself and do something mindful – take a walk, listen to some music, play with the dog, even mindfully mowing the lawns (maybe not on Christmas day) or doing the dishes! What-ever you chose, try to focus your attention fully on the activity rather than stewing over Aunt Mary and the turkey episode.

Shift the Balance
Sometimes it’s hard to eliminate negativity, after all, sadness, loss, disappointment and worry are part of life. But even during tough times it’s still possible to experience positive emotions, and creating positivity is often more in our control than we think. Savour simple positive moments, reflect on positive memories, share photos or other mementos with others, consider what’s going well in your life, express gratitude and appreciation, watch a funny movie, read something uplifting, do the things you love to do and spend time with people you really connect with.

Jo Saies

pbperformance.com.au

More seriously, I finished my run thinking about all the important reasons – other than public safety – to look up. Every screen staring dog walker is missing out on all those beautiful autumn sights, sounds and smells,not to mention the chance to exchange smiles with a neighbour, whilst at the same time risking personal and canine catastrophe! We can’t smell the roses with our nose in a screen – look up and take in the little things around us that can bring us great joy.

People used to day-dream or make idle conversation in queues, at the bus stop or waiting to meet friends at cafe – now we look (and feel) like a social misfit if we’ve alone in public without something really important to check on our device. Look up and smile at the person opposite, it might make their (or your) day! Drag your eyes away from your screen and be with your own thoughts – we need these times to process the happenings of the day, form opinions, draw conclusions, plan for the future or come up with new and exciting ideas. Look up and chat with the person next to you – it may be an interesting conversation or you could end up talking to your future spouse!

I don’t drive so I’m on public transport every day, and I can’t remember the last time I saw anyone offer their seat to someone who needed it – not because people are heartless (I hope), but because everyone is engrossed in their phone. Children and adults alike fail to notice the pregnant woman, the teenager on crutches or the old man teetering precariously in the aisle right next to them. Look up – you might just notice someone who’s frail, lost, unwell or who’s just had a really bad day amd who could do with a hand, a seat or a kind word.

I’m sure we’ve all witnessed the slightly ironic sight of couples, large groups of teenagers or adult colleagues supposedly enjoying each other’s company at a café or social gathering whilst all are absorbed in the private world of their own devices. Social connection is such an important contributor to our mental health and well-being, yet I fear we’re losing the ability to relate in an authentic and meaningful way to the people we’re with in the real world. Look up and connect with the important people around you. You chose to be with them for a reason – notice the subtle clues that tell you how someone is really feeling, share something about yourself, listen deeply, create trust, and let’s not lose the experience and the joy of true human connection.

I want to end with a much more poignant scenario. This last week two of my closest friends have been touched by suicide. Two beautiful men with strengths and with vulnerabilities who got to a place where they could no longer look up. Their perspective had narrowed to such a point where they saw only one, tragic way forward. When we experience challenging circumstances, troublesome thoughts, painful feelings or a deep sense of hopelessness, look upwards and outwards – not to deny those feelings or sensations, not to cover them up and pretend to ourselves and the world that they don’t exist or don’t matter, but to connect with the people who love, nurture and ground us, and who can help offer a different perspective on the reality we’ve created.

The great Stephen Hawking was wise on so many levels:

“Remember to look up at the stars
and not down at your feet….
if you feel you are in a black hole,
don’t give up – there’s a way out.”

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1. Find your meaning
The importance and meaning of Christmas is instilled (and often forced upon us) through our exposure to media, and religious, family and cultural traditions. If we don’t resonate with that meaning, Christmas can be a period of confusion or cynicism. So find your own meaning for this time – I’m not religious, so for me it’s a time for connection, reflection and gratitude.

2. Create your own imagery
Since snow-flakes, angels and an overweight man in an impractically un-Australian outfit don’t do it for me, I look for the imagery that brings my Christmas meaning to life through music, pictures and tokens Take a listen to one of my favourite ‘carols’ Tim Minchin’s White Wine in the Sun (which incidentally, is about connection not drinking!)

3. Connect with people that matter
If Uncle Bob is always obnoxious, and sister Susan cant stop criticising the state of your house, do you really need to do the big family lunch just because it’s expected? Consider doing something different – catch up with the difficult rellies for brunch, then hang out with the people you love for a picnic in the park. Mix it up, so you still maintain connection with those you need to, but you also have some time with people that nurture, love and support you.

4. Manage your expectations  
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or others. Its only a day…the food and the decorations and the presents don’t have to be perfect. If your Christmas meaning is about connecting with others, then this should be your focus – enjoy your time with them, and let the not so important stuff wash over you.

5. Manage your time
Not everything has to be done by Christmas! You don’t have to fit every last job that’s been on your list for a year into the last week, and you don’t have to catch up with every person you know in the universe in December – give yourself a break – schedule stuff for January and beyond, when the world has slowed down again.

6. Take a break
If this is the time you take holidays from work, then make sure you actually take a break – let customers and staff know you’re on leave, organise some back-up if you can, re-direct your emails and put a message on your voicemail. You’ll come back feeling far more refreshed, and be more productive (and probably a nicer person!) having had the down time.

7. Control what you can, let go of what you can’t
You don’t have to go along with everything that everyone else wants to do – you can try to influence decisions about family gatherings and presents and holidays through discussion, and put forward suggestions that are going to work best for you. But then recognise the things that are outside of your control to change, and make a decision to go with the flow, rather than wasting angst and energy on resisting and complaining.

8. Do something for others
Gift giving was once a unique expression of love and care of others, but can now seem an onerous  chore or a race for popularity based on giving the most impressive gift. What else can you do to show concern and kindness for others – volunteering some time, donating to a charity in lieu of presents, giving people the gift of your time, or surprising someone with a random act of kindness?

9. Create positive emotion
What for you, brings a sense of joy, exhilaration, serenity, pride or fun? You may not be able to lessen some of the more painful feelings that come up, but can you schedule some activities that trigger your positive emotions? A walk in the hills, a game of beach cricket, your favourite DVD or a browse through the photo album to savour some happy memories. I love singing, so even though the words in our traditional carols don’t resonate, I still go for it when I can to experience the pure joy of bringing the music to life. And I never tire of watching my nieces’ nativity plays and end of year concerts for that feeling of pride and joy.

10. What are you grateful for?
I do have a personality with a built-in yearning for life and all that it has to offer – this is great for inspiring dreams, fuelling my goals and driving self-improvement. But it can be double edged sword, because at vulnerable times I can focus on what I haven’t had in my life, and the loss can get the better of me. So I know I need to make a greater effort at this time to feel gratitude for the people in my life, my experiences, talents, achievements and character traits, and for the life I’m fortunate to lead. I have so much to be grateful for.

So that’s the recipe that works for me – leave out some ingredients, or add some of your favourites to create your own amazing Christmas delight. Please enjoy, stay happy and safe, and I look forward to connecting with you in 2018.

PB Performance

There’s no explanation for why my sight was affected – it was just one of those things that I put down to incredibly bad luck. But on the other hand, I was also extremely lucky because I was treated by an outstandingly skilled eye surgeon who was able to give me the sight I have today. I’m unlucky that I have only 25% of normal sight, even with my glasses, but I’m lucky that it’s 25% more than no sight at all.

At school it was unfair that I was teased because of my ridiculously thick glasses and nose to the page reading (even some adults still make offensive references to both), but at the same time I’m incredibly fortunate that I was gifted with a smart brain, that I was able to cope with normal schooling, and that I possessed a fierce determination to be the best that I could be.

I could write pages about how sometimes I feel unlucky (that small child who was teased and excluded is still in the background stamping her foot because life isn’t fair). But I could write just as much about the times I feel so fortunate, so lucky and so grateful for the people, things, characteristics and experiences that make me who I am.

So the story I tell myself now is that I’m both lucky and unlucky – that life is neither fair nor unfair, it just is what it is, and it’s forever unfolding. And in response to the inevitable negatives or disappointments, I’m practising being less reactive, by not feeling sorry for myself, comparing criticising or assigning blame. By focusing on the bigger picture of life in its totality, I can be more accepting of what is, inevitably, the roller coaster journey of being human, alive and flourishing.

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Sadly, there is increasing evidence that this throw away mentality is impacting our approach to friendships, relationships and other social connections. Thanks to electronic and social media we’re more connected than ever before, but it’s also super easy to disconnect. In a heartbeat (or a finger swipe) we can unfollow, unfriend, reject, delete or even archive any connection that no longer suits or serves us – to quote John Cleese – without so much as a by your leave. After all, why hold on to a relationship when there’s Plenty More Fish In The Sea (as one popular internet dating site would have us believe). Researchers have called this ‘relational disposability’.

Man is a social species – we survive and thrive through our interdependence and interconnectedness. But surely that connectedness involves something more than keeping a compendium of acquaintances, maintained through brief and superficial exchanges in the real or virtual world?

Here’s Dr Brene Brown’s take on connection “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

Deep and genuine connection sustains our relationships, enriches our lives and enhances our wellbeing. There is even evidence that social isolation is more detrimental to our long term health than obesity, alcohol or smoking. But sincere human connection involves opening up, being vulnerable, sharing from your heart as well as your head, giving and receiving love, understanding and support, being able to trust and be trusted, and staying authentic.

It also requires an ongoing investment in the connection for the mutual benefit of both parties. Sometimes that investment is simple, joyous and effortless, other times it takes energy, strength and courage. But that doesn’t mean we simply discard the relationship or upgrade to a new model just because that’s the quick and easy thing to do.

I love connecting with people – it’s part of my job, and it’s part of what drives and nourishes me as a person. Sometimes I’m not very good at it, but I believe utterly in its importance, and always work hard at it.

• If you have loads of connections, why not work at enhancing those rather than finding more
• If connecting doesn’t come easily for you, pick one or two relationships to deepen and work with those
• And whilst the art of connecting involves looking for similarities and sharing common ground, it also means accepting individual differences and the rich diversity within our families, workgroups and communities.

Enjoy connecting or re-connecting over the Christmas and holiday period, and I look forward to connecting with you again in 2017.

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Fascinating new research from Kim Cameron and others has shown that a leader’s capacity to positively energise relationships and networks within their organisation has four times more impact on their performance than their position in the hierarchy or their perceived level of influence. Positive energisers perform better themselves, and also enhance the work of others they’re connected with, which improves organisational performance.

How’s the energy in your team – mostly positive or negative? Now for a bit of self-reflection – are you a positive energiser, or do you drag people down with your negativity, tendency to dominate or your focus on problems and faults?

Imagine the impact on engagement and performance if we could teach everyone in our organisation, especially our leaders, the behaviours associated with being a positive energiser. Here’s a few suggestions:

• Give people your full attention
• Listen carefully
• Don’t interrupt
• Contribute actively and meaningfully to conversations
• Share the airtime, don’t dominate
• Show concern for others
• Help others to feel included
• Willingly assist others – and also accept help
• Don’t wallow in problems, look for solutions
• Use humour and fun appropriately
• Be reliable and trustworthy
• Show enthusiasm for what you’re doing (even when you don’t feel it)
• Express gratitude
• Smile

Teams with more positively energising leaders produce significantly more levels of job satisfaction, engagement, well-being, innovation, cohesion and performance.  Leader behaviours which increase positive relational energy, in addition to those above, include:

• Create a positive vision for the future
• Convey a sense of hope
• Value others
• Acknowledge progress
• Celebrate positive outcomes
• Emphasise and build on employee strengths
• Look for positive energisers when recruiting

You don’t have to be a social butterfly or an extrovert to be a positive energiser. All of us can learn these behaviours. Observe the positive energisers in your workplace – which behaviours do you notice them doing most often? What could you do more or less of? Pick just one of these behaviours and see if you can focus on it for the next month. Relational energy is such an untapped resource with the potential for huge pay-offs in terms of engagement and performance.

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But increasingly, resilience is being called upon by ordinary people in ordinary circumstances to help them get by. In the workplace, it’s resilience that’s going to help us deal with demanding customers, challenging client groups, high stress work, difficult managers, toxic work environments, constant change, uncertainty and increasing pressure to do more with less …..you get the picture.

Being resilient at work means that you can

• Manage the inevitable, every day stress of work while staying healthy;
• Rebound and learn from unexpected setbacks; and
• Proactively prepare for future challenges that you’re likely to face.

Essentially, workplace resilience is about being the best you can be in the environment in which you work. Imagine how much more comfortable, satisfying and even enjoyable, our work-life could be if we faced the inevitable bumps and hurdles from a foundation of resilience.

Recent research has shown that our level of resilience at work is not a fixed attribute or personality trait. You can increase resilience through changing your thoughts and behaviour, and by developing and deploying a ‘toolkit’ of strategies to meet the challenges you are facing.

The Resilience At Work (R@W Sustain 7) model, developed by Adelaide Organisational Psychologist Kathryn McEwen and colleagues,  comprises seven components which interrelate and contribute to your overall work resilience.  Understanding and investing in each of these components enables you to sustain performance while preserving your well being.

The 7 Resilience At Work components are:

Authenticity
You know and hold onto your personal values, deploy your strengths, and have a good level of emotional awareness and regulation.

Purpose
Your work offers purpose and a sense of belonging.  It also aligns with your core values and beliefs.

Adaptability
You stay optimistic and keep a solution-focus when things go wrong. You reframe setbacks and minimise the impact of any negativity around you.

Self-care
You have work and life routines that help you manage your everyday stressors.  You work to create work-life balance and ensure time for relaxation and recovery.

Support
You seek feedback, advice and support and also provide support readily to others.

Energy
You maintain a good level of physical fitness, have a healthy diet and get adequate sleep.

Networks
You develop and maintain the personal and professional support networks you need at home and at work in order to perform well in your job.

Every single one of these components can be developed if you have the motivation and tools to do so. Which one do you need to invest in, to have the biggest impact on your resilience at work?

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Stocktake
Firstly, what are you struggling with? Are you feeling a broad sense of apathy about life in general, or are you having trouble getting motivated in relation to a particular goal? If it’s a general feeling, start with a stocktake of each of your life domains. Write down the following categories on a page: Work; Leisure; Health; Finance; Family; Social; My environment; Community. Now give yourself a rating from 1-10 of how satisfied you feel in each area. This should give you a clearer picture of the one or two areas to work on as a priority. Hopefully, this also reminds you that there are some aspects of your life that are going OK, or even great, and puts into perspective the parts that you feel dissatisfied with.

What Do You Want to Be Different?
Once you’re clear about the area you want to work on, try to shift your focus from what you’re not happy with, to expressing what it is you want that’s different from the current state. For example:
If you’re unmotivated at work, you might say ‘I want to be doing work that is challenging, interests me, and uses my skills in….’
If you’re unfulfilled in your relationship, you might say ‘I want to spend more time alone with my partner talking about our future goals and dreams’.

Why Bother?
Motivation increases significantly when we have a compelling reason for taking action. So once you’ve established what specifically you want, you’ll need to ask yourself why this is significant to you.  The reason has to be something that you personally believe in, not what someone else thinks is important.  The most compelling reasons arise from our core values. For example, getting out of a warm bed to go for a run will require less effort if you have the core belief that your well-being is more important than anything else, and that running increases your well-being.  It will take enormous energy if you are doing it because you believe you ‘should’ or because someone else tells you it will be good for you.

Energy Boost
Finally, think about your general level of energy. Motivation takes physical, mental and emotional energy, so if your energy is generally low, you’ll naturally have trouble summoning the will power to take action.  Think about what drains your energy. If it’s poor diet, inactivity or disrupted sleep, what habits do you need to change? What activities, environments or people drain your energy, and can you limit your exposure to any of these? Now think about the activities, habits, environments or people that boost your energy. What opportunities do you have to build more of these into your life to keep your energy levels topped up and your motivation on auto?

Motivation isn’t the only ingredient to getting us where we want to be, but without it, we’re sure to be stuck somewhere we don’t want to be. What do you need to do, to get motivated and to get moving?

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Now days, if we don’t take a call during dinner, check something on Google whilst out with friends, read our messages during meetings or reply to a work email from bed, we get jittery and restless. All of a sudden, we can’t get by without distraction. I can’t even write this article without responding to a text, checking my emails 10 times, a quick coffee, a sudden drive to tidy my desk and a chat with my colleague about the pitfalls of distraction.

I convince myself I’m being efficient by multi-tasking, or getting better results by taking some well-deserved breaks. But in reality, I’m not only slowing down the completion of my task, I’m exhausting valuable mental energy by switching my mental focus back and forth between activities. And in the process, I’m rapidly losing the skill I was taught back in primary school – to concentrate.

Watch a cat stalking a mouse or a pride of lions planning to take down a kill. These animals have honed mental focus in its extreme, their survival depends on it. Watch any highly successful person – an elite athlete, a musician, an artist, a skilled technician or a great manager – and it’s obvious that in addition to talent, they have mastered the skill of mental focus. How else does Roger Federer keep winning points when he’s 2 sets down, the crowd’s against him, it’s thirty-six degrees, his left calf is throbbing and his stomach’s in knots? Does he:

1. phone a friend for a chat
2. reach for the smart phone to check what the temperature’s doing
3. post a tweet about how he’s feeling and what he had for breakfast
4. maintain a supreme state of mental focus on the most important thing in that moment – his game, his opponent and the unfolding match?

We don’t all have the talent of an elite athlete, but we can all cultivate the skill of mental focus in order to be the best we can be at what-ever we’re doing. Start by being aware of your distractions – those you’re in control of (including what you’re doing and what you’re thinking) and those brought about by external factors that seem less in your control. Once you’re aware of what distracts you, you can start to recognise the impact these distractions have on your productivity, your energy and the quality of social interactions. Then you can plan what to do to minimise them:

• Finish each task before starting something new
• Plan how long you’ll work on a task before being tempted to check emails or social media
• Commit to being completely present when you’re with people – in meetings, on the phone or in day to day interactions
• Set boundaries with others to minimise unplanned distractions, such as times when you ask staff or family not to disturb you
• Be clear about your goals, both big life goals and smaller day to day goals – they motivate and help focus your attention
• Practice mindfulness – focusing on what-ever activity you’re doing in the present moment, rather than stewing over the past, worrying about the future, or thinking about what else you should be doing
• Spend time on work or leisure activities that really absorb and engage you, so concentration is effortless (read more about the state of flow)
• Learn to mediate.

Learning how to maintain focus and concentration is a key to success and enjoyment in any of life’s domains – sport, business, leadership and even relationships. The ability to ignore distractions – both the things going on in our external world as well as our internal feelings and mental chatter – is an invaluable and learnable skill. What small change will you make to hone your ability to focus?

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