Emotional intelligence is not about stifling or hiding emotions, always being positive, or needing to be more emotional.  It’s about using emotion productively –  recognising, understanding and working with emotions in ourselves and others, so we can

• Interact more effectively
• deal with disagreement constructively
• pro-actively handle stress and change
• read and navigate the dynamics of an organisational or team culture
• manage through complexity and make difficult decisions
• show up authentically
• build and maintain trust.

All of these behaviours help us to increase our performance and achieve more positive results. There is indeed strong evidence that high levels of emotional intelligence in the workplace can lead to:

• Better physical and mental health
• Improved workplace relationships
• Coping better with high demands and stress
• Increased levels of engagement and discretionary effort
• Reductions in employee turnover and absenteeism
• Prevention of psychological injury
• Increased creativity and innovation
• More effective leadership.

So how do we build emotional intelligence? A good place to start is working on our self-awareness to get better at recognising emotion, in the moment,  in ourselves and others. To build self-awareness, practice paying attention to these four things:

1. Emotion is a biological reaction, and is first triggered in the body, so we can start to notice emotion by being aware of physiological changes or body sensations – are we holding our breath, where do we feel tightness, how intense is that tightness, how far does it extend, how long does it last?
2. Next tune in to our self-talk – what are we thinking, what words and phrases are we saying to ourselves that give us a clue as to how we’re feeling?
3. Notice what we’re saying – listen to our language, the labels we are assigning, and to the tone and volume of our voice
4. Pay attention to our behaviour – both what we’re doing, and what we feel like doing.

When identifying emotions in others we don’t have the benefit of knowing directly about their body sensations or their self-talk (although we could ask them). But in addition to what they’re saying and doing, we also have the benefit of observing facial expression and body language to help us recognise and label an emotional experience. A shift in the person’s energy can also be a clue that they have experienced an emotional reaction.

Awareness in the moment alerts us to the presence of an emotion in ourselves and others. Having a comprehensive mental dictionary of emotions gives us the capacity to label that experience. We can then use that information to make a choice about how to respond more productively.

For example, when we recognise emotion in ourselves we’re able to regulate the way we express that emotion, shift our emotional state to one that is more productive and incorporate information from our feelings, together with facts and other information, into decisions.  When we recognise emotion in others, we can acknowledge the emotion with empathy, assist them where necessary to regulate how they are expressing the emotion, and use a broader range of  information to help us respond appropriately.

Emotional Intelligence skills can be learnt, by focusing on key behaviours you want to change and practising new responses over time. Like any behaviour change, it can be hard going to get started, but begin by recognising the value to you and the people around you in terms of improved performance and relationships. Then through self-awareness, feedback from others and observation of impact you will start to embed emotional intelligence for a thriving future.

Jo Saies

pbperformance.com.au

And whilst it’s tempting to blame external causes, it’s often our own reaction that escalates what might have been a minor issue into nothing short of world war three. So learning how to monitor and regulate our strong feelings and emotional responses is an important component of resilience at both work and at home, and will help us not just survive the Christmas period, but come out of it feeling calm, positive and re-energised for the year ahead.

What pushes your buttons?
We all know the kinds of things that trigger instantaneous and often extreme emotional reactions in us – certain people, comments or situations can switch on intense feelings and strong physical sensations which can seem automatic and out of our control. Becoming aware of your personal emotional triggers is the first step in being able to take back control so they don’t have the same power over you.

Be prepared
Once you know what pushes your buttons you can think about and plan in advance what you’ll do differently if (when!) this happens. If you know you always fly into a rage when Great Aunt Mary brings up the burnt turkey from ten years ago, try preparing a few alternative responses you can have up your sleeve to call on in the moment, such as saying something light-hearted, or just smiling to yourself.

Breathe!
When you feel your emotions starting to escalate, try to put a circuit breaker between the trigger and your reaction – the best way to do this is to simply stop and take 3 deep breaths before you say or do anything. As a scuba diver, I’ve been taught how to react safely and rationally to difficult or dangerous situations underwater using the phrase Stop-Breathe-Think-Act. I use the same phrase above the water to help me de-escalate my extreme emotional reactions!

Time Out
We can all use a stint in ‘time out’, not just the kids! Keep your ’emotional thermometer’ handy, and watch out for signs that you’re feelings are starting to boil over. Then make sure you grab some time to yourself and do something mindful – take a walk, listen to some music, play with the dog, even mindfully mowing the lawns (maybe not on Christmas day) or doing the dishes! What-ever you chose, try to focus your attention fully on the activity rather than stewing over Aunt Mary and the turkey episode.

Shift the Balance
Sometimes it’s hard to eliminate negativity, after all, sadness, loss, disappointment and worry are part of life. But even during tough times it’s still possible to experience positive emotions, and creating positivity is often more in our control than we think. Savour simple positive moments, reflect on positive memories, share photos or other mementos with others, consider what’s going well in your life, express gratitude and appreciation, watch a funny movie, read something uplifting, do the things you love to do and spend time with people you really connect with.

Jo Saies

pbperformance.com.au