Emotional intelligence is not about stifling or hiding emotions, always being positive, or needing to be more emotional.  It’s about using emotion productively –  recognising, understanding and working with emotions in ourselves and others, so we can

• Interact more effectively
• deal with disagreement constructively
• pro-actively handle stress and change
• read and navigate the dynamics of an organisational or team culture
• manage through complexity and make difficult decisions
• show up authentically
• build and maintain trust.

All of these behaviours help us to increase our performance and achieve more positive results. There is indeed strong evidence that high levels of emotional intelligence in the workplace can lead to:

• Better physical and mental health
• Improved workplace relationships
• Coping better with high demands and stress
• Increased levels of engagement and discretionary effort
• Reductions in employee turnover and absenteeism
• Prevention of psychological injury
• Increased creativity and innovation
• More effective leadership.

So how do we build emotional intelligence? A good place to start is working on our self-awareness to get better at recognising emotion, in the moment,  in ourselves and others. To build self-awareness, practice paying attention to these four things:

1. Emotion is a biological reaction, and is first triggered in the body, so we can start to notice emotion by being aware of physiological changes or body sensations – are we holding our breath, where do we feel tightness, how intense is that tightness, how far does it extend, how long does it last?
2. Next tune in to our self-talk – what are we thinking, what words and phrases are we saying to ourselves that give us a clue as to how we’re feeling?
3. Notice what we’re saying – listen to our language, the labels we are assigning, and to the tone and volume of our voice
4. Pay attention to our behaviour – both what we’re doing, and what we feel like doing.

When identifying emotions in others we don’t have the benefit of knowing directly about their body sensations or their self-talk (although we could ask them). But in addition to what they’re saying and doing, we also have the benefit of observing facial expression and body language to help us recognise and label an emotional experience. A shift in the person’s energy can also be a clue that they have experienced an emotional reaction.

Awareness in the moment alerts us to the presence of an emotion in ourselves and others. Having a comprehensive mental dictionary of emotions gives us the capacity to label that experience. We can then use that information to make a choice about how to respond more productively.

For example, when we recognise emotion in ourselves we’re able to regulate the way we express that emotion, shift our emotional state to one that is more productive and incorporate information from our feelings, together with facts and other information, into decisions.  When we recognise emotion in others, we can acknowledge the emotion with empathy, assist them where necessary to regulate how they are expressing the emotion, and use a broader range of  information to help us respond appropriately.

Emotional Intelligence skills can be learnt, by focusing on key behaviours you want to change and practising new responses over time. Like any behaviour change, it can be hard going to get started, but begin by recognising the value to you and the people around you in terms of improved performance and relationships. Then through self-awareness, feedback from others and observation of impact you will start to embed emotional intelligence for a thriving future.

Jo Saies

pbperformance.com.au

The trouble is we’re losing the art of regular and meaningful conversation. Other priorities get in the way, and sadly we spend much of our time in one way communication. Whether it be on-line, at the dinner table or in the board room, we spend a lot of our time just saying things at each other, telling people stuff we want them to hear with little regard for their needs, interests or responses.

Thursday 15 September, 2011 is RUOK? Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones. On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: “Are you OK?”. It’s so simple.

Often when we ask people how they are, we don’t want to hear how they really are. If they are brave enough to tell us, we can switch off pretty quickly, by thinking about what else we should be doing (gosh is that the time…), responding to other distractions (oh there’s another SMS…), or getting absorbed in our own thoughts (what shall I have for dinner…..). We’re uncomfortable with emotion, and often don’t know how to respond, and so pretty quickly we find a way to interrupt and bring the conversation around to us.

Connecting with people in conversation requires only a few basic skills. Here’s five of my favourites:

1. Make time
   Any relationship requires nurturing – like plants which require sun, water and nutrients for survival and growth, your relationships need your time and your effort, without which they won’t survive
2. Be fully present
   Focus on the other person with your whole body, heart and mind, not on external distractions or your own internal thoughts (for example what you are going to say next!)
3. Share the stage
   There are some times when a conversation needs to focus on one person alone, but in general we feel most connected with someone when we share the direction and the content of the conversation and the amount of listening and responding we do
4. Ask questions
   If you’re not sure what to say, do or to talk about, ask sensitive questions to help establish the other person’s needs – ask what they’d like to talk about, what’s important to them right now, what can you do to help or how they’d like you to respond
5. Show empathy and understanding
   One of our most basic human needs is to taken seriously – you don’t have to solve someone’s problem, but it makes a massive difference if you can show them they’ve been heard, understood and valued.

Feeling lonely, isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression, other mental illnesses, and even suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love. Ask the people you care about if they’re OK, and be sure to ask with the intention of really connecting with them. In the time it takes to have a coffee, with the right approach and intention, you can start a conversation that could change a life.

PB Performance